Apathy

Yesterday and today (Monday and Tuesday), I have felt terribly apathetic. This is not a typical experience for me - usually have more fervour than I know what to do with (unhelpful in it's own way, at times, but at least I'm used to it). I think that coming back from Wellington to the continuation of waiting for paperwork and not having a job was quite a downer.

I know that that's silly, because my Criminal Record Check actually went through this week, and I have an appointment with the Kindergarten Association tomorrow to hopefully start relieving. The NZ Teacher's Council received my application, and they will take up to six weeks to process it, but at least my part should be done. So I am much closer than ever to starting work, but I just find myself feeling lethargic and defeatist. What if I get hired as a reliever, but they never call me because they already have plenty of relievers? Then things will just keep going as they are. Which I hadn't thought was so bad - I mean, I live in NZ, how bad can it be? But still I find myself sad, tired, and uninspired.

After moping and puzzling for a while, I figured out the problem. I need a job. It's no longer just that I would like to have a job because I like my work, or it's nice to make money, or that's what grown-ups do. Now it's that I have an emotional and psychological need to be a teacher again. The problem is, I am not doing anything meaningful or important to anybody now. I keep busy running errands, learning Māori, reading, visiting early learning centres, etc., but on a daily basis, no one would care if I didn't. I am (as you all know) very extroverted and enjoy being interconnected. I have friends here, and please don't think that I don't value them, or that I feel isolated. On the contrary, I am amazed and thrilled with the connections I've made. But I don't get up knowing that a classroom full of kids is waiting for me, that they would miss me if I wasn't there, and that my skill at my job is helping them a little bit every day. Turns out, I really like that feeling.

I am in the spectacularly privileged position of having found exactly the job I want to do for the rest of my life, and of finding overwhelming fulfillment in every day of my work. I am so thankful that this is true. The problem is, I am not doing that job right now, and, in fact, have not done it since I quit my job in Canada six whole months ago. That is the longest I have ever not worked in a preschool in four years, and now I know why. I need it. It gives me purpose, energy, fun, direction, love, and joy. Of course, I have all of those things in other ways in my life, but it's not the same. When I don't have kids to focus on, love, worry about, plan for, hug, laugh with, puzzle over, etc., my mind has trouble filling up that emotional and cognitive space, because nothing is quite like it. I am trying to be optimistic about finding many of these things in relieving, and I really did enjoy doing it in Canada, but I still see it as a stepping stone to settling down into my own classroom. And much as I want to be excited for this next step, and even though I know what an important one it is, today I just wish that I was done taking steps. I am ready to get there and stay.

I feel stupid whining about all of this, given how lucky I am to be here, and knowing that I will eventually find a job that I love, which is more than many people do. But I am not good at being unemployed, and when I left my job in Canada in May, I never would have thought that I would make it all the way to mid-November without a new one. Again, it is dumb to complain about a sequence of events that landed me in NZ, but... I am anyway, I guess. I am still thankful, but I am also tired of waiting to get back to doing what I love.

On the bright side, please wish me luck at my meeting tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's an interview exactly, but I am confident that it will move me forward towards relieving, and I am glad.