Just Keep Swimming

Yesterday afternoon, after quite a nice day of visiting Jan and taking Holly to visit an early learning centre, I sat down to write a blog post about how wonderful my life is, and how lucky I am to be living here. I had biked through town, and was impressed with how beautiful this city is. I had gone to South Beach for the first time with Kirsten, and it was stunning. I had pulled up to my house and stopped to appreciate this gorgeous, if a bit overzealous, bougainvillea in front of our house.

While I was appreciating it, I noticed this beautiful lily growing at the base of it. Lilies always remind my of my friend Kelly, who died years ago, and they are such a positive way to remember her without sadness. This one, as you can see in the picture, is absolutely glowing, and just made me so happy.

I got inside, sat down at my computer, and decided to check my email before I wrote my post. To my dismay, I had an email with very upsetting news. I had had an interview for a full-time position at a private early learning centre last week. I didn't write anything about it on my blog, because I was fighting a losing battle against counting on it as a sure thing, and therefore setting myself up for disappointment. But I was confident that the interview had gone well, and that my skills and qualifications would make me a good candidate. Plus, I hadn't even applied for the job - they had sought me out and asked me to interview! I hadn't been at all sure at first that it was the right position for me, but it had seemed like a better and better idea. I confess that I am so eager to get a job that I might have slightly glossed over the less-than-perfect aspects of it, but so be it. Anyway, as you have probably figured out, the email said that I didn't get the job. They said that they had way more applicants than they expected, that they were all very qualified, and that in the end, they chose a teacher who is "very experienced in the NZ curriculum and context." During the interview, we talked about how NZ is at the forefront of a lot of early childhood education development. They are moving in the same direction that we are moving in the States, but they have done it faster and more successfully. What they do here is actually very consistent with most of what I learned in the States, although it is not always being applied as well there as we'd like. However, there are also things that I learned there that I think could benefit programs here. As is usually true, there are pros and cons to both systems, and I think that the best scenario is to be able to find and use the best of both. Anyway, I think that they may have been disinclined to hire someone who didn't have the benefit of being educated in and working within their system. Which may be logical, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm sure that they made the best choice for their centre, but I feel disheartened and worried that I am not a good candidate for jobs here, even though I got a great education from wonderful professors, and even though I am eager to keep learning and adapting to meet children and families' needs. (Just to be clear, all I know is what they said in their email, and they could have a million different reasons for the decision they made, so most of this is just speculation.)

I hadn't realized how much having the potential of a full-time job in the near future had been buoying me up, even just for the week that it was there. It felt like the light at the end of the tunnel of unemployment, and it made it easier not to worry about it when I didn't get called in to teach, or when the job listings continued to be nonexistent. By the way, still no jobs listed, and I have worked a total of zero days this week.

I was feeling terrible yesterday, and didn't feel up to writing about it. J helped to make me feel better, assuring me that I was a good candidate for any job, and that I shouldn't feel bad about not getting the very first one I applied for. He also said that me not getting this job was "unlikely, bordering on the what-were-they-thinking." He may be a bit overconfident on my behalf, but I don't mind, and his comments made me smile. But then he had to go to work (last night on the night shift for a while), and, left to my own devices, I consoled myself by watching Remember the Titans and then going straight to sleep.

Today is better, of course. I am disappointed, but okay. Moreover, I am more capable of remembering the things that made me unsure if I wanted that job in the first place. I just want a job so bad, it's hard to take those things seriously, but they are still important.

I stopped by the Kindergarten Association today to give them some paperwork and let them know that I would continue to be available for relieving, and the Senior Teacher there, who I've talked to a lot, seemed genuinely thrilled that I wouldn't be leaving to work in a private early learning centre. Moreover, she said that she would keep me in mind for any permanent positions that become available, and for any longer-term relieving jobs that come up. It felt good that she seemed to truly want me to be there, and to value my contribution (how ever small it is right now) to their teaching team.

I also stopped by and visited Jan and Karen today, which always makes me feel good, and in a few minutes, J and I are going to go out to eat and then just relax this evening. 

I just have to remind myself that all of those things that I was thinking and feeling yesterday, before I got that email, are still true today. I am still so lucky to be here, still so happy to be able to enjoy so many wonderful things in my life, and still moving towards a good job, someday. It will happen. Just keep swimming.